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today is my first scan on the every-six-months track. it takes a few days for the report to trickle down to me, but i will post the results here.
fingers crossed.
mary jessica hammes has been working on my story for babygooroo.com.
it’s finally up. go over and have a read, even if you think you already know it by heart.
click here to read pumping through chemotherapy at babygooroo.comlife is turning into an overwhelming struggle, an everyday battle that i feel left alone and completely unprepared to fight.
where’s my army? where’s my band of brothers? (most of them, awol, i fear, gone bamboo, off lurking in their idyllic hideouts.)
i never said i’d be easy. i never promised not to be a complete disaster. i thought i held up a big end of the bargain. i lived.
that didn’t end my war though. so where are you? i’m not asking for your sympathy, your understanding, your tears. i just want your help. and if you can’t find your way to here to offer it, then let me come to you.
i’d like to take a special moment to thank all of you, my readers, for joining me as i drag you alongside me, over the river and through the woods. i’d also to thank our families, my hero – my husband, my life – my daughter and our valiant oncology nurse, megan.
thank you all for being at my side, in whatever capacity that might be.
my blog is not a goldfish. i didn’t forget you were here, waiting for the little flakes to fall like tears from a star.
i’ve spent the better part of today looking for myself, wondering what happened to me, if i might remember, and so that i don’t forget again. there have just been so many days in such a very long row that i’ve been lost, lost to myself, to my family, my friends, my neighbors, to you.
this afternoon i put in a few more hours working on my office. i found some of my tools in the garage. i’d missed calling them mine. i found spools of ribbon in a cabinet and remembered the christmases, birthdays and weddings i’d gotten them for. i hung rolls of pretty wrapping paper on freshly painted rods while listening to music i hadn’t heard in far too long. i heard forgotten memories in long-loved lyrics and found little bits of myself tucked into drawers, hidden away in boxes and slid between the pages of books.
the room isn’t finished and neither am i. i have so many things to do. i hear a thousand projects and unanswered thoughts calling my name. perhaps it’s here, in my own space, that i’ll be able to sort through them all.
i had a pet scan this morning. it should determine if i am in remission. it’s unheard results are weighing heavily on my heart and mind. it’s hard to focus when there’s so much to see through.
i still need help to get through most days, somtimes paralyzed by a fear that hangs on to me like a shadow. it’s hard to ask for help day after day. it’s hard to watch myself being consumed or idly slipping away. but even though i might not be all there, i am still here, waiting, just like you.
i still have to review the results with my oncogist, but my other doctors are pleased with my scan results. new pulmonologist said it was even better than the previous scan.
i’ll be calling my oncologist in the morning to make sure he has the report and to schedule a follow up.
met the new pulmo and gp today. pulmo is lowering my prednisone, yeah! said my lungs sounded great and looked good on the pet. new gp is very thorough and left my brain swimming. both are very nice, though!
bits of myself 
whatchoo talkin’ ’bout?