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today is my first scan on the every-six-months track.  it takes a few days for the report to trickle down to me, but i will post the results here.

fingers crossed.

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mary jessica hammes has been working on my story for babygooroo.com.

it’s finally up.  go over and have a read, even if you think you already know it by heart.

click here to read pumping through chemotherapy at babygooroo.com

life is turning into an overwhelming struggle, an everyday battle that i feel left alone and completely unprepared to fight.

where’s my army?  where’s my band of brothers?  (most of them, awol, i fear, gone bamboo, off lurking in their idyllic hideouts.)

i never said i’d be easy.  i never promised not to be a complete disaster.  i thought i held up a big end of the bargain.  i lived.

that didn’t end my war though.  so where are you? i’m not asking for your sympathy, your understanding, your tears.  i just want your help.  and if you can’t find your way to here to offer it, then let me come to you.

(but not) to do what i want any ol’ time. i’m just unhooked momentarily from tubes, which i have to say, is in fact,  heavenly.  i’m also really tired a can’t feel my way to type.  so here’s the round ‘up you’ve all been eagerly awaiting and hoping against hope for.

november 15,  a sunday, i checked into casa doyle for some amazing fun, food and frivolity.  seriously, i could totally live there as the non-participating sister wife.  dude, everyone needs a housewife and my dearest of friends does not disappoint.  there was coffee ready every morning.  we cooked breakfast, went out to lunches, ordered in for fun and made some spectacular dinners.  mostly i just stood there when the spectacular dinners were emerging.  there were two mammas, two nurslings, and (eventually two) very happy daddies with ex-disney girls for wives. 

monday, november 16th through wednesday, november 18th my amazing friend drove me to the pathology lab that does stem cell harvesting.  thursday, november 19th i was admitted here to the bmt (bone marrow transplant) unit.  all bmt units are generally still referred to as such since autologous and donor stem cell transplants are relatively new.  well, new enough not rename the units yet.my havest days were uneventful.  so was my check-in day.then day -5 (11/20) i started high-dose ICE chemo.  that lasted through the weekend and finished up on the early pat of day-2 (11/24).  the days -2 and -1 were mostly fluids and resting, and let me tell you, plenty of barfing.  nasty!

i got my stem cells back on wednesday, november 25, day 0.

we’re at day +3, and it’s saturday, november 28th.  i spiked a high fever last night, as was expected at some point.  i got all of my lines, blood and urine cultures right away.  then i woke up after a few hours of iv antibiotics and needed some benadryl to combat the red man syndrome i was suffering.

so there it is, my life in a nutshell so far.  i’m sure i missed plenty and didn’t talk any about the hospital drama with nugget visiting, but they’ve already beaten me back to a half slumber with the benadryl and reconnected me while i typed.

more to come, i promise!

i’d like to take a special moment to thank all of you, my readers, for joining me as i drag you alongside me, over the river and through the woods.  i’d also to thank our families, my hero – my husband, my life – my daughter and our valiant oncology nurse, megan.

thank you all for being at my side, in whatever capacity that might be.

my blog is not a goldfish.  i didn’t forget you were here, waiting for the little flakes to fall like tears from a star.

i’ve spent the better part of today looking for myself, wondering what happened to me, if i might remember, and so that i don’t forget again.  there have just been so many days in such a very long row that i’ve been lost, lost to myself, to my family, my friends, my neighbors, to you.

this afternoon i put in a few more hours working on my office.  i found some of my tools in the garage.  i’d missed calling them mine.  i found spools of ribbon in a cabinet and remembered the christmases, birthdays and weddings i’d gotten them for.  i hung rolls of pretty wrapping paper on freshly painted rods while listening to music i hadn’t heard in far too long.  i heard forgotten memories in long-loved lyrics and found little bits of myself tucked into drawers, hidden away in boxes and slid between the pages of books.

the room isn’t finished and neither am i.  i have so many things to do.  i hear a thousand projects and unanswered thoughts calling my name.  perhaps it’s here, in my own space, that i’ll be able to sort through them all.

i had a pet scan this morning.  it should determine if i am in remission.  it’s unheard results are weighing heavily on my heart and mind.  it’s hard to focus when there’s so much to see through.

i still need help to get through most days, somtimes paralyzed by a fear that hangs on to me like a shadow.  it’s hard to ask for help day after day.  it’s hard to watch myself being consumed or idly slipping away.  but even though i might not be all there, i am still here, waiting, just like you.

nursing on main street while waiting for parade at disneyland

nugget and i spent the past three days celebrating the end of a successful round of chemo and our return to nursing.  disney doesn’t have a button for that, but we still had a fantastic experience.

our sincerest thanks and gratitude to the new parade cast and characters at the paradise pier breakfast. you all made our celebration absolutely magical.

pictures soon, i promise!

 

my sister’s one-day sister-in-law (i just know it!) tagged me in a facebook note, “end of year meme.”  it would have been sooo easy to use the majority of her answers because, dude, it’s like she wrote them just for me!  but, alas, she did not, so i’ve crafted my own responses just for you.

 

  1. what did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
    was diagnosed with and treated for cancer
  2.  

  3. did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
    i don’t make them
  4.  

  5. did anyone close to you give birth?
    most recently, the greenes welcomed their twin girls
  6.  

  7. did anyone close to you die?
    i lost an old friend.  he was a great man.
  8.  

  9. what countries did you visit?
    chemoland.  it sucked.
    walt disney world
  10.  

  11. what would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
    energy and hair
  12.  

  13. what date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
    june 12th, it was the last time i nursed my daughter before i started chemo
  14.  

  15. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
    resuming nursing after battling cancer
  16.  

  17. what was your biggest failure?
    having to stop nursing
    yes,  i realize that was beyond my control, but to me it felt like failure.
  18.  

  19. did you suffer illness or injury?
    yes
  20.  

  21. what was the best thing you bought?
    our new house
  22.  

  23. whose behavior merited celebration?
    my mother’s
    my husband’s
    my daughter’s
  24.  

  25. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
    northern virginia’s drivers
  26.  

  27. where did most of your money go?
    our new house
  28.  

  29. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
    taking my daughter to disney for the first time
  30.  

  31. what song will always remind you of 2008?
    the hot dog song
  32.  

  33. compared to this time last year, are you:
    happier or sadder?  happier
    thinner or fatter?  fatter
    richer or poorer?  poorer
  34.  

  35. what do you wish you’d done more of?
    crafted more homemade gifts
    visited more friends
    blogged more
    taken more photos and video of my family and friends
  36.  

  37. what do you wish you’d done less of?
    had less cancer
    gained less weight
  38.  

  39. how did you spend christmas?
    at our new house with my husband’s parents, brother, sister-in-law, and my parents, grandparents, aunt & her family and her godparents & their family
  40.  

  41. did you fall in love in 2008?
    every day
  42.  

  43. how many one-night stands?
    (seriously?  this one i have to change to something more mommy blog- friendly)
  44.  
    what changes did you make to “green up” your lifestyle?
    collected more reusable shopping bags and got my mom in the habit of using them, too
    started a compost pile
    chose a tankless hot water heater for the new house
     

  45. what was your favorite tv show?
    lost
  46.  

  47. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
    hate?  that’s much too strong of a word.
  48.  

  49. what was the best book you read?
    did i read any books?  i know i started reading anthony bourdain’s the nasty bits, but i can’t even remember if i’ve finished it. 
  50.  

  51. what was your greatest musical discovery?
    steve burns’ and the flaming lips’ steven drozd’s ” i hog the ground”
     
  52.  

  53. what did you want and get?
    to nurse my daughter again
  54.  

  55. what did you want and not get?
    skinnier faster
  56.  

  57. what was your favorite film of this year?
    this is the last question i answered because, honestly, i can’t remember watching any movie in its entirety aside from charlie wilson’s war. so i guess that’s it.  though if i’d had opportunity to watch the x-files: i want to believe, i’m sure that would have beat out charlie wilson.
  58.  

  59. what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    went to my birthday party, 35
  60.  

  61. what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    having more energy and less nausea after chemo
  62.  

  63. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
    chemo casual
  64.  

  65. what kept you sane?
    prozac and ativan
  66.  

  67. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    oh, how i love me some brit-brit.  girl is a spectacular disaster!
  68.  

  69. what political issue stirred you the most?
    the presidential election, though that was more of a circus then an issue
  70.  

  71. whom did you miss?
    my friends from orlando
  72.  

  73. who was the best new person you met?
    my chemo nurse, danna
  74.  

  75. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
    this is your life, right now.  this is what you get.  stop preparing for “someday” and start living it the way you want to now.
  76.  

  77. quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
    “it’s a brand new day,  whatcha  waitin’ for?”
  78.  

  79. tag five people to post their answers to this 2008 wrap-up meme. please link back to this blog from yours.
    non-lucid drivel
    the twinkies

    motherhood and cancer
    life with the moonhils
    returnjourney

i still have to review the results with my oncogist, but my other doctors are pleased with my scan results. new pulmonologist said it was even better than the previous scan.

i’ll be calling my oncologist in the morning to make sure he has the report and to schedule a follow up.

met the new pulmo and gp today. pulmo is lowering my prednisone, yeah! said my lungs sounded great and looked good on the pet. new gp is very thorough and left my brain swimming. both are very nice, though!

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