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just spoke with my oncology nurse. my oncologist says he sees no change in this week’s scan from the last.
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mary jessica hammes has been working on my story for babygooroo.com.
it’s finally up. go over and have a read, even if you think you already know it by heart.
click here to read pumping through chemotherapy at babygooroo.comtanya’s got another excellent post up at the motherwear breastfeeding blog. today, she writes about the value of breastmilk in cancer treatment.
it’s been known for some time that a component of breastmilk, called human alpha-lactalbubin made lethal to tumor cells (HAMLET for short!) causes cancer cells to die.
you can read more of tanya’s post here and read what i did with my own breastmilk during my battle with cancer here. tanya also ran a piece on my journey here.
the cleanest i’ve been. an end to the tears and the in-between years and the troubles i’ve seen?
well, at least for now.
this afternoon i had an appointment with my oncologist to go over my latest pet/ct scan results. no uptake was noted except for in the thymus, which is expected post-transplant.
i’ll go back for a check-up in three months and if all is well then, i’ll have a ct scan three months after that.
well, today’s oncology appointment didn’t happen. no, no, not by my choice!
the new office actually called us yesterday afternoon asking to reschedule because someotherdoctor’sofficewhoshallremainnameless did not send the requested files. apparently we are required to use their super special records request form.
seems like perhaps they just wanted to get us on the phone so they could hear for themselves that in fact, no, we won’t ever be going back there, and yes, it’s just because we really don’t like them anymore. um, i mean, “it’s just too far.”
as much as this ostrich has enjoyed her view of the sand for the past two months, tomorrow i’ll be getting my head back in the game. i have an appointment with a new oncologist.
i love my original oncologist, but he’s in northern virginia and that’s finally become a point of contention. my transplant oncologist, however, is the one who sent me looking for the nearest sand pit, and truth be told, a new oncologist. i really just could not deal with his callousness, nor step foot into that mcghetto hospital one more time, though i imagine anywhere i’d gone for the transplant i would now loathe.
my blog is not a goldfish. i didn’t forget you were here, waiting for the little flakes to fall like tears from a star.
i’ve spent the better part of today looking for myself, wondering what happened to me, if i might remember, and so that i don’t forget again. there have just been so many days in such a very long row that i’ve been lost, lost to myself, to my family, my friends, my neighbors, to you.
this afternoon i put in a few more hours working on my office. i found some of my tools in the garage. i’d missed calling them mine. i found spools of ribbon in a cabinet and remembered the christmases, birthdays and weddings i’d gotten them for. i hung rolls of pretty wrapping paper on freshly painted rods while listening to music i hadn’t heard in far too long. i heard forgotten memories in long-loved lyrics and found little bits of myself tucked into drawers, hidden away in boxes and slid between the pages of books.
the room isn’t finished and neither am i. i have so many things to do. i hear a thousand projects and unanswered thoughts calling my name. perhaps it’s here, in my own space, that i’ll be able to sort through them all.
i had a pet scan this morning. it should determine if i am in remission. it’s unheard results are weighing heavily on my heart and mind. it’s hard to focus when there’s so much to see through.
i still need help to get through most days, somtimes paralyzed by a fear that hangs on to me like a shadow. it’s hard to ask for help day after day. it’s hard to watch myself being consumed or idly slipping away. but even though i might not be all there, i am still here, waiting, just like you.
tonight, i’m going out with the ladies from our neighborhood for what they’ve aptly named “ladies’ night.” i’ve been terribly depressed for a good while now, so hopefully this will provide me with a much needed, albeit short, mental respite.
it’s hard to blog when i’m depressed. you can gauge my state of mind for yourself just by the frequency of my posts.
monday, i go back to inova loudoun for the week for my last dose of eshap chemo before my transplant. no, cancer doesn’t get labor day off.
well, not exactly. just got the news that i’ll have to do a fourth chemo before my transplant. this is going to be a short post so i don’t swear a lot in front of my grandparents. ugh.
whatchoo talkin’ ’bout?