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just spoke with my oncology nurse. my oncologist says he sees no change in this week’s scan from the last.

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mary jessica hammes has been working on my story for babygooroo.com.

it’s finally up.  go over and have a read, even if you think you already know it by heart.

click here to read pumping through chemotherapy at babygooroo.com

the cleanest i’ve been.  an end to the tears and the in-between years and the troubles i’ve seen?

well, at least for now.

this afternoon i had an appointment with my oncologist to go over my latest pet/ct scan results.  no uptake was noted except for in the thymus, which is expected post-transplant.

i’ll go back for a check-up in three months and if all is well then, i’ll have a ct scan three months after that.

well, today’s oncology appointment didn’t happen.  no, no, not by my choice! 

the new office actually called us yesterday afternoon asking to reschedule because someotherdoctor’sofficewhoshallremainnameless did not send the requested files.  apparently we are required to use their super special records request form. 

seems like perhaps they just wanted to get us on the phone so they could hear for themselves that in fact, no, we won’t ever be going back there, and yes, it’s just because we really don’t like them anymore.  um, i mean, “it’s just too far.”

as much as this ostrich has enjoyed her view of the sand for the past two months, tomorrow i’ll be getting my head back in the game.  i have an appointment with a new oncologist.

i love my original oncologist, but he’s in northern virginia and that’s finally become a point of contention.  my transplant oncologist, however, is the one who sent me looking for the nearest sand pit, and truth be told, a new oncologist.  i really just could not deal with his callousness, nor step foot into that mcghetto hospital one more time, though i imagine anywhere i’d gone for the transplant i would now loathe.

(but not) to do what i want any ol’ time. i’m just unhooked momentarily from tubes, which i have to say, is in fact,  heavenly.  i’m also really tired a can’t feel my way to type.  so here’s the round ‘up you’ve all been eagerly awaiting and hoping against hope for.

november 15,  a sunday, i checked into casa doyle for some amazing fun, food and frivolity.  seriously, i could totally live there as the non-participating sister wife.  dude, everyone needs a housewife and my dearest of friends does not disappoint.  there was coffee ready every morning.  we cooked breakfast, went out to lunches, ordered in for fun and made some spectacular dinners.  mostly i just stood there when the spectacular dinners were emerging.  there were two mammas, two nurslings, and (eventually two) very happy daddies with ex-disney girls for wives. 

monday, november 16th through wednesday, november 18th my amazing friend drove me to the pathology lab that does stem cell harvesting.  thursday, november 19th i was admitted here to the bmt (bone marrow transplant) unit.  all bmt units are generally still referred to as such since autologous and donor stem cell transplants are relatively new.  well, new enough not rename the units yet.my havest days were uneventful.  so was my check-in day.then day -5 (11/20) i started high-dose ICE chemo.  that lasted through the weekend and finished up on the early pat of day-2 (11/24).  the days -2 and -1 were mostly fluids and resting, and let me tell you, plenty of barfing.  nasty!

i got my stem cells back on wednesday, november 25, day 0.

we’re at day +3, and it’s saturday, november 28th.  i spiked a high fever last night, as was expected at some point.  i got all of my lines, blood and urine cultures right away.  then i woke up after a few hours of iv antibiotics and needed some benadryl to combat the red man syndrome i was suffering.

so there it is, my life in a nutshell so far.  i’m sure i missed plenty and didn’t talk any about the hospital drama with nugget visiting, but they’ve already beaten me back to a half slumber with the benadryl and reconnected me while i typed.

more to come, i promise!

my blog is not a goldfish.  i didn’t forget you were here, waiting for the little flakes to fall like tears from a star.

i’ve spent the better part of today looking for myself, wondering what happened to me, if i might remember, and so that i don’t forget again.  there have just been so many days in such a very long row that i’ve been lost, lost to myself, to my family, my friends, my neighbors, to you.

this afternoon i put in a few more hours working on my office.  i found some of my tools in the garage.  i’d missed calling them mine.  i found spools of ribbon in a cabinet and remembered the christmases, birthdays and weddings i’d gotten them for.  i hung rolls of pretty wrapping paper on freshly painted rods while listening to music i hadn’t heard in far too long.  i heard forgotten memories in long-loved lyrics and found little bits of myself tucked into drawers, hidden away in boxes and slid between the pages of books.

the room isn’t finished and neither am i.  i have so many things to do.  i hear a thousand projects and unanswered thoughts calling my name.  perhaps it’s here, in my own space, that i’ll be able to sort through them all.

i had a pet scan this morning.  it should determine if i am in remission.  it’s unheard results are weighing heavily on my heart and mind.  it’s hard to focus when there’s so much to see through.

i still need help to get through most days, somtimes paralyzed by a fear that hangs on to me like a shadow.  it’s hard to ask for help day after day.  it’s hard to watch myself being consumed or idly slipping away.  but even though i might not be all there, i am still here, waiting, just like you.

tonight, i’m going out with the ladies from our neighborhood for what they’ve aptly named “ladies’ night.”  i’ve been terribly depressed for a good while now, so hopefully this will provide me with a much needed, albeit short, mental respite.

it’s hard to blog when i’m depressed.  you can gauge my state of mind for yourself just by the frequency of my posts.

monday, i go back to inova loudoun for the week for my last dose of eshap chemo before my transplant.  no, cancer doesn’t get labor day off.

well, not exactly. just got the news that i’ll have to do a fourth chemo before my transplant. this is going to be a short post so i don’t swear a lot in front of my grandparents. ugh.

i know, i know, i have been seriously blog-negligent. if you’re really getting desperate during one of my unforseen hiatuses, just check my twitter feed on the left sidebar under “tweet, tweet.” that should entertain you.

so, after nugget’s tantie left, her aunt katie and uncle “hibbip” (phillip) came for a visit. nuggetdaddy and i made it up for jenny’s show in alexandria. then my mom from florida came for her turn at casa de bits. nuggetdaddy and i both celebrated birthdays.

now, i’m back in the hospital enjoying a week of chemo, hopefully my last before my transplant. my pet scan was good. the report says “virtually no (cancer cell) activity,” that the site of involvement is “1/2 to 1/3 the size” from the previous scan and there is “comparably less (lymph) nodal involvement.”

i’ve just had 10mg of ambien, so i should be checking out soon. i’ll try to blog again in the morning. peace!

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