new plan.  must arrive in florida in time for sunday’s lost series finale.

seriously?  how is lost ending *this* sunday?  have i been living under a rock?   a black rock?

i had no idea it was happening so soon.

dude.   this sucks. there is no tv equivalent, no replacement for lost in my personal must see tv lineup.

so this is it? goodbye, lost?

i’m not ready for this to end.   i’m not done dancing in your deepest oceans.  we were so good together, just like a dream.

nugget and i are hitting the road saturday for our first major road trip.  is this really a good idea?  do sane people drive long distances, cross many states with a three-year old in tow?  please check “yes” or “no.”

as bad as i am about blogging on a regular basis, i will try really, super hard to post ridiculous photos and updates from our journey.  twitter is likely to be the landing spot for most of these tidbits of humor and despair, and i know you won’t want to miss a single bit.  so be sure to follow me or at least check out my twitter feed on the left-hand sidebar.

oh right, you wanted to know where exactly we’re headed to.  why, central florida, of course.  that’s where i was born and raised.  i spent the majority of my formative years playing with and then working for the mouse.  now i happily haul my daughter there to subject her to the media machine immerse her in the culture i grew up in.

nugget’s aunt jenny is playing her first ever orlando show at backbooth on may 25th.  have you gotten your tickets yet?  check out park ave cds – i heard they’ll give you a ticket when you purchase one of jenny’s records!  so come out and join us as we officially celebrate me kicking cancer’s ass.  it will be quite the party. kinda like this one (but sadly without bess rogers).

as africa hot as it is sure to be in florida right now, we’ll still have an excellent time. i’m a native, a pro at avoiding the scorching death rays with which the sun tortures the tourists.

there will be lots of late afternoon trips to the magic kingdom.  we will watch far too many parades and shows, and spend hours making special trips to visit with her “friends” (disney characters).

there will be long walks around epcot’s world showcase with my friends and their tots.  the mamas will enjoy adult beverages while we drink our way around the world and the kids will craft at each of the kidcot stations.  it’s a win-win.

i will don my new, modest i’mamommynow swimsuit and brave a water park or two.  i will most certainly make other mommies to suffer along with me.

we plan to stay until main street electrical parade makes its return to walt disney world on june 6th as part of summer nightastic! i am giddy with delight at the mere thought of sitting with nugget and watching her hear for the first time:

“ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, walt disney world proudly presents our spectacular festival pageant of nighttime magic and imagination in thousands of sparkling lights and electrosynthomagnetic musical sounds . . . the main street electrical parade!”

nugget just brought the vhs cassette of elp’s farewell season at disneyland into my office.  she’s ready to do her homework.  i’m ready to teach her baroque hoedown.

i’m ready to go home.

life is turning into an overwhelming struggle, an everyday battle that i feel left alone and completely unprepared to fight.

where’s my army?  where’s my band of brothers?  (most of them, awol, i fear, gone bamboo, off lurking in their idyllic hideouts.)

i never said i’d be easy.  i never promised not to be a complete disaster.  i thought i held up a big end of the bargain.  i lived.

that didn’t end my war though.  so where are you? i’m not asking for your sympathy, your understanding, your tears.  i just want your help.  and if you can’t find your way to here to offer it, then let me come to you.

tanya’s got another excellent post up at the motherwear breastfeeding blog.  today, she writes about the value of breastmilk in cancer treatment.

it’s been known for some time that a component of breastmilk, called human alpha-lactalbubin made lethal to tumor cells (HAMLET for short!) causes cancer cells to die.

you can read more of tanya’s post here and read what i did with my own breastmilk during my battle with cancer here.  tanya also ran a piece on my journey here.

change the way you shop – for good.  watch this video and make the pledge to use fewer plastic bags.  together we can keep one billion plastic bags from polluting our streets this year.

today, nugget and i made these awesome cork trivets from marthastewart.com’s collection of earth-friendly crafts as this week’s craft an earth day project!

now speaking of earth day, sure, posting “happy earth day” as your facebook status is great, but you could go to http://savejapandolphins.org and make a real impact.  so go on, what are you waiting for?!

50 years from now what will they say about us here?  did we care for the water and the fragile atmosphere?  there are only two kinds of folk and the difference they make, the ones that give and the ones that take.

the cleanest i’ve been.  an end to the tears and the in-between years and the troubles i’ve seen?

well, at least for now.

this afternoon i had an appointment with my oncologist to go over my latest pet/ct scan results.  no uptake was noted except for in the thymus, which is expected post-transplant.

i’ll go back for a check-up in three months and if all is well then, i’ll have a ct scan three months after that.

why did i wake up at 4:30 am? why am i having nightsweats again? are they real or is the bed heater just too warm? is it simply more chemo-induced menopausal hot flashes or is it cancer?

wednesday’s results are really now just hours away. well, lots of hours, but still just hours now, and completely swallowing me whole.

we have a new pup. while i type, he lays next to me twitching with little doggie hiccups. he’s like a big, white, furry painkiller, sedative and heating pad all in one. now i understand animal therapy.

dogs need jobs, activities that will fill their days, occupy their thoughts and fulfill their sense of duty. mars knows his now. he takes care of me in my craziest of moments, naps at my side, escorts me downstairs at 3am and would undoubtedly protect me from even the slightest threat.

sure, he’d rather be chasing cats instead of being forced to “give them kisses!” or playing with the neighborhood dogs instead of learning to politely ignore the most exciting thing he sees all day, but he’s happily settling into his routine.

i wish i could bring him to all of my oncological appointments. i know he’ll be here waiting anxiously for me to get home, regardless of wednesday’s results. he’ll be more excited to see me than anyone else and couldn’t care less about how my scan went. mars is only interested in a pet if it starts on his head and trails down his back. good dog.

well, today’s oncology appointment didn’t happen.  no, no, not by my choice! 

the new office actually called us yesterday afternoon asking to reschedule because someotherdoctor’sofficewhoshallremainnameless did not send the requested files.  apparently we are required to use their super special records request form. 

seems like perhaps they just wanted to get us on the phone so they could hear for themselves that in fact, no, we won’t ever be going back there, and yes, it’s just because we really don’t like them anymore.  um, i mean, “it’s just too far.”

as much as this ostrich has enjoyed her view of the sand for the past two months, tomorrow i’ll be getting my head back in the game.  i have an appointment with a new oncologist.

i love my original oncologist, but he’s in northern virginia and that’s finally become a point of contention.  my transplant oncologist, however, is the one who sent me looking for the nearest sand pit, and truth be told, a new oncologist.  i really just could not deal with his callousness, nor step foot into that mcghetto hospital one more time, though i imagine anywhere i’d gone for the transplant i would now loathe.

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