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monday, the pet specialist will read my scans.  i should hear something that day.  i’ll be sure to post as soon as i do.

tonight, nugget and nugget daddy are sleeping in nugget’s big girl bedroom (aka, the guestroom) because mama is radioactive.  this means i get the whole california king bed to myself.  well, myself and the two cats.  i hope they can find some room to squeeze in.  the steroids are doing wonderful things to my physique.  i’ll share with you my lastest self-portrait.

stay puft marshmallow man

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last night was rough!  nugget, ever the fan of routines, has taken to developing her own late night-waking agenda.  i think the wakings might be spurred by nightmares.  i’m fairly certain last night’s was.

it starts with the wake up and is followed by the insistance that we exit the bed.  she then drags me into the kitchen, usually with the request for tea.  that’s right, i said tea.

sippy cup in hand, she instructs me to sit on the kik-step, saying,  “mama!  mama! up!” while smacking the stool where i should sit.  after a few swigs of tea, she’s on to the next task.  “mama.  up!  up!” she bellows while dancing around the kitchen near the cake dome.  there are doughnuts under that dome.  she knows.  she wants them.  now.  up i pick her and she squeals, “do-duts!”

it’s 12:30 or 2:15 or 3:45 am and i don’t care what she wants to eat as long as she eats it quickly and we can go back to bed.  soon.  “mimmie!  mimmie!”  doduts must be eaten with her minnie mouse fork.  i hope it’s clean.  we find mimmie and put her dodut on a plate.  “mama!  up!”  back on the stool i sit and she eats.

“mama, up!”  she runs into tiny apartment’s living room and smacks the coffe table.  this is where we should finish eating doduts with mimmie.  “maaahmuhhh!” she coos lovingly.  i thank her, but insist i am really not hungry for doduts at this hour.  unacceptable!  i pretend to eat bites of dodut.

“mama!  mama!  up!”  she escorts me into tiny apartment’s pantry/laundry room.  it is time to graze.  “hmmmm…” she ponders the many choices on the wire shelves.  it’s usually some organic, animal-shaped cracker or cookie that she chooses.  after a few of those i beg to return to the bedroom.

some nights are better than others.  this did not at all go well last night.  there was screaming and crying and pleading.  i think she was not only afraid of the earlier nightmare, but also had some horrible gas pains that were terrifying her.  i finally got her to agree to sleeping on me in her nursing chair.  i hope the neighbors got back to sleep quickly.

last night i crept downstairs and knelt by your side as you slept, snuggled in with your grandmamie.  you stirred and i kissed your sweet face, hushing you back to slumber.  i miss your sleeping weight on my chest and your little breath warm on my neck.

the first night after my treatment was awful.  nugget sobbed hysterically in my arms, giving way to heavy sighs between her defeated attempts for true comfort until she finally fell asleep.  i cried, and cried, and cried.  and between the tears i apologized over and over to my sweet baby girl for being sick.

last night was thankfully less painful.  she fell asleep with my mother and only had to be quietly lulled back down once.  thank god for small miracles.

as for me, i felt pretty nauseated yesterday and today, and the meds for that make me tired.  today, i really started to feel exhausted.  we went out for some quick errands this morning, but i’ve since spent the remainder of the day in bed.

 

i’m off to spend one last night with my daughter happily cradled to my breast.

i’ll try to blog tomorrow after my first chemotherapy treatment.  it’s at 1pm edt and should take 3 1/2 – 4 hours.

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