there’s always room for jell-o

 

i thought my plate was full.  clearly, i was mistaken.  there’s always room for jell-o.

tuesday, nugget did a little couch diving.  she seemed a bit shaken up post-tumble, but no worse for the wear.  a little motrin (for her) took the edge off that night and in the morning she was right as rain.  but that afternoon something wasn’t right.  nugget was super mama-clingy and telling us her arm hurt.  we took her to the pediatrician who asked us to get an x-ray in the morning. 

we went first thing today and sure enough, both bones are broken, with buckle fractures right above her left wrist.  i do not feel like mother of the year.

nugget now has a pretty green total arm cast for the next three weeks.  she’ll get an x-ray each week through her cast to make sure the bones are healing properly.  they should straighten themselves out on their own and she shouldn’t have any lasting damage.  but still, my poor baby!  and really, did i need this right now?  ugh.  then again, does anyone ever really need jell-o?

the glamorous life

i’m almost bald.  i only shower every few days.  as soon as the nausea ends the muscle pain starts.  then comes the bone pain.  after that subsides then it’s time to start all over again.  i give nugget everything i have regardless of the overwhelming exhaustion.

this is the reality in our home.  this is what my cancer looks like.  this is how my daughter copes with my illness.

frog on my toe

 

these are the socks i chose to wear to my fourth dose of abvd chemo.

 

self-portrait at chemo

 

i’m feeling too shitty to give you much more of a wrap up of chemo dose number four (the second dose for cycle two).  i’m tired and nauseated.  time to crawl back to the couch.

“make you strong, little girl
you paint them toes the reddish color
and you know one day
you’re gonna be bigger than a flea
you’re gonna be bigger than that old poison ivy tree“

i’m missing you and nobody knows it but me

 

i miss nursing my daughter.

 

         

   

   

       

       

       

 

good night

these are a few of my favorite things

 

two of my three new t-shirts courtesy of jenny

 

visiting with my sisters

 

building our new house

 

having dinner with old friends

 

nugget pees on her potty before bathtime!

slave 4 u

 

i’m a slave for you.  no, really.  i think about you day and night.  bloggity this, bloggity that, blog, blog, blog.  i know i’ve been a little distant the past week, but i think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with what excitement i have for you tonight!

as i mentioned on friday, jenny came for a visit.  she also shaved my head.  surprise!

there’s a video, too, but we’ll have to wait for jen to send it to me.  it is sure to delight one and all!

i’ve been out and about sans hair and all went well.  well, i mean, jeez, how else did you think it would go?  no small children ran in fear, the elderly have taken a keen interest in me and the teens are holding strong, remaining totally self-absorbed and obnoxious as ever.

nugget’s tantie is here until tuesday and then her grandmamie will be back.  i have chemo dose #4 this thursday.  i can’t believe it’s almost time for that again!  the first week in august i’ll be getting pet and ct scans to see just how much cancer ass the chemo’s kicked already.

let’s wait a while

 

my little cabbages, i know you must think i’ve forgotten about you.  mais, non!  i think about you day and night.  it’s just that sometimes those pesky chores of life, you know, building a house two and half hours away, raising a toddler, having cancer, having a sister and not one, but two dear friends in town, are using up all my minutes and i haven’t got any rollover.  but fear not, we’re working on something amazing at chez bits as i type.

jenny is on her way over for paninis with nugget, tantie and me.  then there are major plans in the works.  m-a-j-o-r.  you will not be disappointed!

we’re just going to have to take things slow.  i mean, i like you, i really do, i just need some time to myself today.  but tonight, i promise, we’ll have some special time together.  just you and me and some spectacular video footage.  i know, i know, i can hardly wait myself!

hit me with your best shot

 

   

i went in this afternoon for another neulasta injection and will continue to do so the day following every chemo dose.  john was there to give me this injection, just as he was for the first one.  he’s always up for an exchange of witty banter and polite jabbing, pun intended.  he tolerates my snarkiness and commands such as todays, “i’m ready for my massage now, john!” referring to the post-injection massage to distribute the injected fluid under the skin. 

i think the old people in the treatment room love me now.  they’re gonna learn a thing or two from me.  then john will really be sorry! 

marla was there, too, but i only had a few moments to harass her.  i hope she and dana fight over me again at my next session!  i think i might need to bring scorecards or prizes.

can’t disguise the pounding of my heart

today is day 1 of chemo cycle 2.  i had my third dose of abvd.  all in all it went fairly well.  martha took me and barbara met us there and took me home.

i had to hang around for an extra hour because my blood pressure and pulse were elevated.  my bp went down but my pulse wouldn’t bulge.  the nurse practioner thinks the decadron, a steroid, was causing it.  i’d had a 20mg dose at chemo to control nausea.  i also take it on day 2 and 3 in tablet form, but only 8mg at a time.

my hair has thinned considerably since linda cut it last week.  i’m expecting to see a lot more come out after this dose.  i’m fairly certain i’ll just have it shave once it gets icky thin.  i like wearing a scarves and hats anyhow.

like the deserts miss the rain

oh, how i miss the simplicity of our nursing days.  life without breastfeeding is hard, and cancer certainly isn’t making it any easier.  crying was limited to brief moments following boo boos and over-tired minutes post car seat strap-ins.  it was never part of naptime or bedtime.  a balanced diet was effortless.

i never knew the struggle of naptime.  now i have to walk and rock nugget in my arms or in a peanut shell while she chews on a pacifier, maybe holds her blanket and always twiddles at least one nipple.  at night we lather, rinse, repeat or if i’m really lucky we just lay down and she holds on to each boob, binky clenched between her teeth and drifts off, dreaming of nursing i imagine.

i never knew a picky toddler.  whenever nugget was hungry or thirsty the milk bar was always open.  trying new and different foods was fun instead of stressful.  nugget’s tummy was never upset.  her favorite snack was always handy.  we never had to pack a meal to go out.

i did at least have a few weeks and the foresight to work in the concept of “kisses make boo boos all better.”  nugget still kisses my port and scars everyday.  recently she’s added my breasts to her fix-it list and kisses and hugs them all day long.  she’s trying her best to make mommy all better with her kisses, because she knows that’s when she can have her nursies back.