the time has come

 

tuesday, i’m getting my hair cut off.  this is what came out last time i washed my hair. 

my friend, jocelyne, was over for a playdate with her little man bennett yesterday.  jocelyne is a cancer survivor and i couldn’t wait to get her opinion on my hair loss situation.  i showed her how easily it comes out now and she said it was probably the right time to get it done. 

jocelyne also brought me a bag of chemo fun time treats, which included a hello kitty pez dispenser nugget promptly made her own.  and nugget also received the cutest little “my market” fruit and veggie basket.  we had a blast and can’t wait for another playdate! 

i’m traveling to florida this week for roy’s services and that will give me a chance to focus on something other than my cut-off hair.  might as well take advantage of the distraction, right?

the neulasta is causing some discomfort, just like they said it would, mostly in my back and legs.  i’ll be asking about that when i call nurse beth today to discuss my travel plans  and reschedule my cbc.

all that’s left at our house are a few plants in the garage.  the buyers are doing their walk-through today, so i hope that goes well for them.  nugget daddy spent a lot of time there yesterday sanding and painting over my spackle jobs.  i hope they’re happy to see fresh paint and no nail holes!

nugget daddy has to travel for work today.  the good news is he’ll be bringing nugget’s grandmamie back with him.  auntie barbara and her boys are going to keep nugget and i entertained today.  i’m really looking forward to this playdate!

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jamaica inn

here are nugget daddy and i at my second abvd chemo session for cycle one.  as soon as i walked in the treament room and started up my usual shtick, nurse dana shrieked out from behind a cutain that that must be me.  then nurse marla and nurse dana fought over who would treat me.  i told them there was plenty of me to go around and they could job share me.  so they did.  i brought my laptop because nurse dana is also from florida and wanted to see pictures from my disney days.  of course those are all in storage, so whatever i had scanned on this machine had to suffice.

i felt worse immediately after this treatment in comparison to the first.  they adjusted my meds that control the side effects so i am not nearly as tired as the last time.  nugget is sleeping with her grandmamie so i can take some lunesta and get uninterrupted sleep.  today, day 16, i feel pretty good.

nurse julie called me this morning to say that yesterday’s cbc came back with a low white blood cell count and that i’d need to come in for a neulasta injection.  no big deal since i live walking distance from the hospital and it’s just a subcutaneous injection to boot.  piece of cake.  i’ll likely be getting it at regular intervals going forward.

i got the call that my big rx sunglasses were finally done, after lots of trial and error, so we headed over to get those after my injection. 

on the way to pick them up i ran my fingers through my hair in lieu of an actual brush and took out more hair than i would have cared to.  ick.  so i promptly donned a scarf once we got home so i wouldn’t be tempted to touch it anymore.  i won’t be hastily lopping it off, though.  i’m going to wait and see just how bad it gets.  rose at motherhood and cancer warned me about that.

here’s an up close and personal peek at my port.  i know some of you are curious.  i know some of you are also now a little queasy.  see how fun this is?

yo’ we’re gonna take a bus ride

 

we know roy always knew the way. he’s made his final bus run and we’re all missing him terribly.  we love you roy and will forever hear your laughter in our hearts.

for my disney friends, please imagine roy is bus driver bob and the doodlebops are actually leads singing and dancing in all their striped, flashlight wielding glory.  much love to you all.

for my other readers, your kids will like this if they don’t already.

 

 

one last thing.

a scholarship fund has been created in roy’s memory to benifit students at luther high school south in chicago.  luther south is a private christian school roy attended grades seven through twelve and as an alumni supported the school for many years.

roy touched so very many lives and i hope in this small moment he’s touching your heart.  please consider giving, even if only a dollar or two.

send donations to:

luther high school south
roy michalides scholarship fund
3130 west 87th street
chicago, illinois 60652

happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday, dear tantie
i peed in my potty for you.

mother’s milk

today is the motherwear breastfeeding blog’s 17th carnival of breastfeeding and the theme is pumping.   while i didn’t choose to submit for the carnival, i am chosing today to write about pumping.

i’ve written before about my love hate relationship with the pump… well, mostly about the hate portion.  its rhythmic sucking makes me sing little songs to it’s always irritating tempo.  then they mix around with the gymboree songs already stuck in my head.  then i realize how badly i really do need the prozac and ativan.

i don’t know for sure how long it’s going to last.  i’m trying to be realistic about the prospect of having cancer, undergoing chemo and pumping for (hopefully only) six months.  it’s kind of like starting out nursing.  i tried to limit my expectations of myself.  i said i’d aim for six months and then see if i could go for a year.  that seemed ridiculously long to me at the time, much like pumping for six months does now.  but a year came and went and well, here we are.

nugget daddy stayed down at my parents’ last night so nugget and i have been left to fend for ourselves for the majority of the past two days, save for a playdate and lasagna drop off yesterday afternoon.

i didn’t get to pump at all yesterday.  i can’t pump in front of nugget.  that would be like asking your pregnant best friend to take you to happy hour.  i meant to pump last night once she went to sleep, but i fell asleep, too.  my boobs had been angry ever since.

nugget likes to have her naps with me in the peanut shell, but this limits my options for the duration of naptime as to what i can actually accomplish with twenty pounds of sleeping toddler strapped to my chest, lovely though as she feels snuggled against me.  her grandmamie puts her to sleep in the stroller and i bribed her into it with chocolate chips this afternoon so i could pump, finally, and subsequently blog about it.  lucky you!

i was so angry the first few times i pumped after starting chemo.  it was like rubbing salt in the wounds.  i couldn’t nurse nugget and i had to stand uncomfortably in the bathroom watching my milk fill up plastic bottles instead of a happy baby.  and then as i would dump the ounces of heartache down the sink a new wound would appear like a gaping mouth to catch my salty tears and sting my aching soul.  what a waste.

you won’t find much if you google “cancer” and “breastfeeding” except for articles about nursing after breast cancer.  “chemo” and “breastfeeding” yields the same contraindication tagline over and over, and “cancer” and “breastmilk” mostly just points you to article after article about this guy who drank breastmilk to fight his prostate cancer.  those, mostly sensational and local news, articles mention milk banks selling milk to cancer patients when they have excess available to sell.  it costs $3 an ounce.

i’ve had plenty of time to think about that guy and those $3 ounces while making up songs to the pump’s rhythm and calculating how much i’d just poured down the drain.  warning!  here comes the crunchy freaky part.  squee!  maybe you want to stop reading, uptight next door neighbor guy or old school grandpa, maybe there’s a golf game you’d rather be watching. okay, so seriously, why the fuck would i want to keep dumping my milk down the drain when other cancer patients are paying good money to get their hands on it?  i don’t know what exactly it might do for me, but it sure won’t be doing anything at the bottom of the sink that’s for sure. so i sucked it up and sucked it down.

it was sort of gross at first, though why exactly i’m not sure.  i think it was the temperature.  i can’t think of any beverage i regularly consume at body temperature.  but now i’m used to it and pleased by thought that i might actually be doing something to help save my own life.

so, now i have a new goal.  i want to pump twice a day for the whole six months, or however long it might be.  i know i might get sick.  i know i might have to stop if i do.  but if i approach it the way i did breastfeeding, then maybe i can make it through.  maybe if i tell all of you about my plan then i’ll be hell-bent on reaching my goal.  maybe some mother out there trolling the interwebs for a glimmer of hope will find my blog now, instead of all the other useless crap i found.

locks of love

what a girl!  miss d was the first to donate her trailing tresses as part of my locks of love hair donation drive. 

at the salon with baby sis.  look at those lucious locks!

   

 

miss d’s pony is braided and ready to mail.  look at her sassy new summer ‘do.  gorgeous!

 

i’m so proud of miss d!  this isn’t her first donation to locks of love and her baby sis is already asking when she can donate, too!

please let me now if you’re donating your hair.  download the hair donation form and include a note on it about my blog’s drive.

i hope you’ll encourage your friends and family to do so as well.  let your stylist know and ask them to spread the word.

home again, home again, jiggety-jig

nugget, her grandmamie and i all returned home this afternoon.  we’re going to sign the lease and get the keys for the deluxe apartment in just a bit.

yesterday, i met with the builder and finished the selections for the new house.  i’m anxious to see what they’ll look like all together.  nugget daddy is anxious to see what they look like period.

tonight is our last night in our house.  tomorrow we move.  lucky for everyone, i have a nail appointment in the middle of the afternoon so that should keep me busy and less able to drive everyone, including myself, crazy.

candy girl

candy girl, you’re off for some summer fun and we won’t get to wish you farewelll in person.  have a safe trip and lots of fun.  nugget will be anxiously awaiting her postcard!  we’ll miss you tons!

i’ll get my cbc results today, so check back for a follow up post with that info. 

nugget and i are at my parents so i can go make the final selections today for the new house.  i’m finally feeling pretty good.  the pain killer that i got for my jaw is making a huge difference.  more on that too later, when i’m not on dial-up.   grrrr.

one last final tidbit before i hang up, i’m going to have my very own locks of love hair drive!  i’ve already had my first volunteer donate.  she’ll be getting a shiny blog post of her very own as soon as her mommy sends me a photo for it.  i am soooo proud of her and can’t wait to show off her new haircut to you all.  what a great big thing for a little girl to do.  i hope you, your friends and family will join us!  if you do, please include a note about my drive in your donation form to locks of love.  be sure to check with your salon or stylist when you make your appointment because most of them will do your donation hair cut & style for free!

hush little baby

last night i crept downstairs and knelt by your side as you slept, snuggled in with your grandmamie.  you stirred and i kissed your sweet face, hushing you back to slumber.  i miss your sleeping weight on my chest and your little breath warm on my neck.

drink me

 

 

today i picked up a nasty and costly little bottle of magic mouthwash from the pharmacy.  I don’t have any ulcers thankfully, but i am experiencing some mouth pain that i could certainly do without.

 

here’s a photo of me from last thursday during my first treatment.

 

here’s a photo of our last nursing session just before i left for treatment.