i’m not even sure to where to start.  remember that fever?  it finally went away.  then it came back.  a second set of bloodwork later, the doctor still thinks it’s viral.  i get  a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia.  then i need a ct scan.  then i need a biopsy.  then the biopsy has to be done under general anesthesia by a mediastinoscopy, and a bronchoscopy is thrown in for good measure.  now they think I have hodgkins.

i know that there are readers who will get this so much more than others that have already heard it from me.  my biggest fear?  what if I have to have chemo and stop nursing my daughter?  it’s going to break her little heart (and mine) if she looks up at me, her mama, with her pleading, beautiful blue eyes and signs for her nursies and i have to say no.

i can’t say any more than that right now.  i just can’t.  this fear is crippling me and the tears won’t stop.

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