“baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder what’s in a day
what’s in your cake this time”

calliope at creating motherhood has suggested that today, our extra day, be used for remembrance, for grief, for lifting up those friends that need it most.  what a beautiful idea for dealing with what so many of my friends and i consider such an ugly burden.

infertility has forever changed the fundamentals of my being.  almost two years have passed since i suffered through the last of my ivf cycles.  physically, my body seems to have recovered from that violation.  emotionally, i am damaged beyond repair.

i mourn the loss of that whole, hopeful person i once was.  even though he’d never admit it, i’ve also crushed my husband’s dreams of normalcy.  i can’t help but wonder how many maybebabies there were that we never knew, that never stood a chance.  i’m heartbroken for my friends who are still fighting the uphill battle towards motherhood and those who are suffocating under the crushing weight of loss.

maybe today i’ll file away some of my bitterness and anger.  so much of it i carry around in secret.  after all, i have my beautiful, perfect little girl here in my arms. what about my friends who don’t?  don’t they better deserve to wear their heartache like a badge of honor.  aren’t i supposed to just get over it and just be happy?  i want to, but i know i never will.

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